finish him!

I was never very good at the finishing moves in Mortal Kombat.  I think I knew one or two, probably for Scorpion or Sub-Zero.  So you can imagine my surprise a few months ago when I started developing one of my own!

Something I'd like to make clear right off: I'm traditionally a sitting wiper.  I imagine this behavior is the kind of thing you learn once in childhood and rarely deviate from.  I remember a time in college, talking to folks about whether they sit or stand when wiping, and it felt intensely personal.  Intensely.  So it's no small admission that I tell you that I just kind of lean forward but stay on the seat.  Actually, there's a shift in foot position that comes along with it, and the only part of public pooping that embarrasses me is that slight foot shift.  This has been my way since whenever I learned to clean up after myself.

Now all craps a little different, and as I've written before, some are awfully clean, others are messy.  Messy ones could be messy in a centralized way or diffuse.  I think I must have been going through a messier streak say two months ago (these things are very streaky you know), and for whatever reason, after several well-aimed wipes, I stood up.  I felt I needed more leverage.  One final standing-up wipe and I was done.  But it was infectious, and for a while thereafter, I seemed to be finishing all my cleaning with an aggressive standing wipe.  I really put my knees into it and everything.  Let's call it a "power wipe" or a "standing power wipe".  The bottom line is that I didn't feel totally clean until I had done my finishing move.

There's something of an identity crisis that accompanies this - I'm not a stand-up wiper, it's just my finishing move!  And sure enough, for the most part, it's faded.  But I'm sure it'll come back.  Probably with more time I'll get more comfortable with having flexible technique - not just a sitter or standing, but a pragmatic wiper, dealing with each situation accordingly.  Maybe the finishing move with integrate itself more fully.  Who's to say?

Any of you readers have a finishing move of your own, something without which you can't pack up & leave?

a spring treat

...just like little balls of deep fried doo doo...

Temptation: technology

Now that I have an iPhone, I find it hard to resist the temptation to photograph my poop. So far so good, but I don't know how long I can hold out. This blog may have a new look soon.

Posted from my iPhone

arty farty

I make no claims on being a visual artist. But then again, I'm a dabbler. I like to dabble.

Yesterday morning, while in the process of waking up, an idea for an installation, or a tableau, or something, came to me. I'd like to share it with you now:

In a large space, there is a terrifically large jar. The jar is essentially an over-sized jelly jar, it's got that kind of hexagonal or octagonal prism shape, with the slightly curved (in) bottom and a circular top. There may be a screw off-top, but it's not used in this concept. The jar is empty, clean, and transparent. The jar ought to be 8-10 feet high and have a proportional radius. The aperture at the top ought to be 2-3 feet in diameter. Alright, so it might be a bit more stretched out vertically than a normal jar. Calculations not exact.

A performer, a nude performer that is, climbs up or is helped up to the top of the jar. He or she finds a comfortable way to sit over the aperture. It's not like sitting on a toilet, probably a little more like either lying down of sitting with your butt way down lower than it would be in a toilet. Variations should be tried. The performer begins letting out a single thread of poo. Performers can be selected for the solidness of their BM, and diet can be altered to highlight this feature of the performative crap. Rather than being pinched off, the performer's thread is held on to and gently rocked back and forth. This continues for some time. If the doo doo breaks and falls down, ideally a new thread is produced, or another performer is on standby to continue.

Since this occurred at a dreamy time, there seems to be something obvious that this description is lacking, but I can't remember what it is. This is what I've got, and it seems fascinating, if difficult to execute for the performer. But boy, wouldn't that be neat?

say goodnight, ralphie

Regularity is not something I seek out. I'm fine making a poo whenever it needs to be done. There's often a sentimental attachment to BMing in certain parts of the day because this is how routines work.

That said, of late, I've fallen into a new routine, a routine I don't particularly relish. I've been taking a doo doo right before I go to sleep. That's one of my least favorite times to crap. Perhaps if you're a night showerer, which I am not. There's just something a little unclean to me about going to sleep having just moved your bowels.

This was not always my opinion of the night shits. I can remember at age 15 being at summer camp and thinking how the perfect day would end with a shit, a swim in a lake, and then bed. I think that was the order, it may have been swim, shit, sleep. Actually shaving was on there as well, I think it was the "shit/swim/shave", or if in a pinch the "shit/shower/shave". Any time from the late afternoon on, this was considered golden. There was some chatter amongst my chums about how nice this combination was. I'd appreciate a morning version of the "s.s.s." these days, but the evening one would have to be in a really specific place (geographically) to get me excited now.

status report

My stool today, in the last two poops, has been remarkable.

1.) Color

2.) Texture

1. The color is beige-ish, kind of brown. For poop, it almost looks like it has some white in it, as if someone mixing paint was trying to lighten it but didn't totally mix it in. This is a metaphor though - the color is actually pretty uniform. You could say it's the color of a darker mustard, but again, uniform. Maybe the color of certain kinds of halvah. There are many types of halvah, you know.

2. It just looks so soft too. I've never used stool softener, but this just looked soft. It was longer than my usual chunks of poo are, a long, thoughtful thread. (I used to think that gluten just meant a kind of inner-food thread.) Like if you reached into the bowl and picked it up, it might be pleasant to hold.

Don't worry, I didn't, but it's worth saying that some poop just looks more inviting than other poop.

I have eaten a burrito, I have placed it inside of my tummy where it will be digested/absorbed and turned into poop. There is something delightfully bolus-like about a mature, American burrito.