Saturday, February 21, 2015

Unpleasant Confirmation

It's been years since I had a confirmed sighting of a shit stain that I had produced myself.  And yet, just the other day, there one was, staring back at my from the pajamas I'd been leaning on pretty heavily of late.  Et tu, pajama pants?

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

hair back there

People don't talk much about butt hair - hair within the butt crack/butt hole territory, as opposed hair on the cheeks of the butt.  I understand why, it's not a particularly pleasant subject.  I've never (as far as I can remember) discussed it here.  Recently, I've been noticing my butt hair, which is never a good thing.  For some possibly vestigial reason, it's good that it's there, but being overly aware of it is probably coterminous with not feeling like your butt is well-cleaned.  And recently that's the feeling that I've had - Lady Macbeth like, feeling like no amount of wiping or rinsing will make your butt clean.  So you start to blame the hair.  And once or twice or whatever, when you're a younger person, you're like, I'll do something about it, I'll trim that damned butt hair!  And you realize that that in and of itself is a tricky proposition, but you give it a go, get some hairs out of there with a small scissor or what have you, only to realize mostly you just feel self-conscious and your butt apparatus doesn't feel or work any differently.  No, trimming is not the way to go.  Really, these times when you're all noticing the butt are just meant to be waited out.  Maybe some day I'll have longer butt hair and this won't be the case any more, action will be necessary, but for now, I just wait it out.

Friday, October 31, 2014


Last night I took a dump that was uncharacteristically long for me.  I had crapped only once previously during the day, a moderate-on-all-fronts affair at work in the early afternoon.  I had that feeling from 11pm or so on that I ought to move my bowels but I just didn't really have the gumption to do so.  So I waited.  Around 12:30am, early this morning, I made my move, and this long snake of a stinker came out.
My nose caught something - it smelled just as if the dump had come not from me but from the other occupant of the apartment.  You live with someone for six years, you develop a sense of their usual fecal olfactory trail.
Now I've never visually witnessed my partner's stool, but anecdotally I believe it to be larger and sturdier, yes, longer than my own.  As I said, this turd of mine last night was lengthy, at least compared to my usual output.  So I wonder: does shape of poop imply smell?  Is there a connection there?  I oughta stand to reason that eating certain things would produce a.) certain consistencies of stool b.) certain smells of stool.  So it's feasible.
If this is the case, in honor of Halloween, I'd like to suggest "poop impressions" as a thing.  You adopt someone's diet for a week or so and make your stool seem like theirs.  Maybe the micro-organisms will start to notice and really appreciate your sense of humor.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

More in the Mail

Our loyal reader out of IL writes again.  Here's what he says:

Toilet paper: over or under.  An age old question.  I read a good book about this and recommended it a few months back, it was called Wiped.  It says: no agreement.  I guess for me over is the smarter way.  Under's not so bad though.  I don't have strong feelings about it.

I suppose this is a good place to mention that for the last five years I haven't used the wall-mounted system.  It's just rolls of toilet paper, stood up on the flat end, and you pick it up when you need it.  I had a roommate in college who found this gross, thinking that whatever was going on with your non-dominant hand was probably not very clean.  I try not to worry about it.  The wall mount unit, where it is in my bathroom, is just too low to make sense.  And there's a good shelf right there.  So that's what my life is like.

But yeah, generally I think over is a little smoother, a little nicer flow.

Monday, August 25, 2014


We've never taken postcard questions before here on the DDB, but there's first time for everything!  We got this missive from a human in the great state of Illinois:
The gist of the question from WIPE is, are toilet manufacturing engineers shoe-horning our bathroom behavior?  I'm torn.  I love efficiency, and I can relate to the product designer who crunches numbers and determines the most likely outcomes with the product they're producing.  I also respect the technocrat who determines the optimal usage for a product and then makes that product difficult to use otherwise, who encourages optimal behavior.  I relate to those impulses of gentle paternalism.  I'm no libertarian.  However, I also believe in basic freedoms where one is most sensitive, and more over I believe that if you can do something without using electricity, it's always better than doing it with electricity.  So I'll say this, WIPE, electric flush toilets are inferior products.  Hands free in the bathroom is nice, but that's where foot pedals are useful, if you're into that kind of thing.  People abuse the flushing of old fashioned toilets, but they do this plenty to new fangled ones as well.

I support your erect wiping research, and I hope you keep us posted.  There's nothing worse than an electro toilet thinking your down and getting your ass all wet with a mixture of water and poo.  On that we can all agree.

Also, someone recently suggested to me that men are perceived as sit down wipers and ladies as stand up wipers.  I don't have the data on this.  Myself, I sit down about 80-90% of the time, thought I'd never exclusively stand up, it's like a finishing maneuver.

I hope this helps and would love to hear all thoughts on the subject!

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Nothing like taking a big dump to make a young man feel strong and muscular.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

In Support of Bravery

Let us praise those particles who, when the rest of the stool settles for the bottom of the bowl, bravely rise above and float to the top of the water line.  Why do they do it?  Where do they find the strength?  We mere mortals are not blessed with this knowledge, but we are given hearts to appreciate such steadfast courage.